my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
