dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
