you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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