i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
