i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
