Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
