My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
