He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
