He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
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He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
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I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
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