I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
