she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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