I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
