saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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