remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
