Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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