In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
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