I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
