I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
