Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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