I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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