You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
