Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
