Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
