the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Is Oprah even human
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
