I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
