I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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