there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
