i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
