I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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