girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
