I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
