A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
