If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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