I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He better not be in your backpack
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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