Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
