My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
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I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
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She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
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