phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
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