So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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