yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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