my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
