Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You made out with two different species that night
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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