I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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