Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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