I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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