Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.