Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.