Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
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so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
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I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.