I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
