his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
we're so committed to being not committed
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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