I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
