Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
