nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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