he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
