we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
