dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
