i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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