all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Randomize
