I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
