Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
