I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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